How many times do we say things to ourselves that stop us from going after our dreams?
“I could never do what that person is doing… ”
- I could never be in front of that many people.
- I could never run a large department
- I could never be that in charge
- I could never walk 5 miles
- I could never….
I catch myself using negative self-talk frequently. It varies depending on the situation I am in of course but the important thing is that I catch it.
I know there are times that I do not … until it’s been ruminating for a while! Spinning around in my head, wreaking havoc on my self-esteem. Making me feel unworthy. Tearing down my defenses. We all do it occasionally. Learning to see it/hear it and stop the pattern is so important and something you can totally do. … BUT what if you are being told these things by someone else in your life and you don’t even realize that it’s happening?
I have mentioned this before but it is so very important. If someone says to you that you are stupid… the first time they say it you will think… NO, I AM NOT! You immediately recognize that as incorrect and your brain tells you so. When it happens over and over again after the 5th or 10th or 100th time you stop having that reaction. You think you are just ignoring them, but you are not. You are taking it all in and it is affecting you. You must create an internal reply that affirms that you are indeed brilliant and in no way stupid. You must be able to block that negativity with NO, I AM BRILLIANT! Keep telling yourself that until you believe it!
Scenario number two … covert negativity. Have you ever heard of a backhanded compliment? One that at face value seems like a compliment but in actuality is a slam?
- You look so beautiful tonight, I wish you had worn the red dress tho.
- I love it when you fix your hair like that, but I think you need to get a trim, or your roots need done, or….It looks better when… whatever.
- “Congrats! That’s a great school for a state school.” See what happened there?
- Congrats on parallel parking, maybe next time you will get it in the middle of the spot.
Sometimes our family or friends can offer what feels like a compliment and accidentally add in their own advice. It’s not always meant to be derogatory but if you find that someone in your life is always doing this to you then you may need to address it. You also need to be sure you don’t do it to yourself.
I am working on this too… and I think we all need to be aware that things like this do happen unintentionally, but there are people who are experts at breaking others down and actually use this as a way to commit what I call emotional warfare. Saying things that you may not notice immediately to slowly break down your confidence. Especially if you have said NO, I Am NOT to them in some way. They will find other ways to sneak them in.
How about these
- Is that what you are wearing?
- Aren’t you going to put on some makeup?
- Why are you wearing a ponytail to the store?
- You look great, for your age!
- That is such a difficult subject, I never saw you doing that.
- I wish I could stay at home all day like you do.
- Thanks for making dinner, it was better than I expected.
- I wish I could remember tiny details like you!
- Wow that was way better than I expected.
Remember when you are complimenting someone not to allow your self-criticizing to get in the middle of the compliment. If you are honestly complimenting someone, remember it’s all about them and how they perceive the compliment. A simple “I love your dress” is plenty. You do not need to say anything additional, and especially not something like “that dress looks better than…”
Watch for these things and remember to STOP them before they enter your subconscious. You can choose whether to let the complimenter know that they said something derogatory if you believe they honestly will try to do better or you can choose to just know in your heart that it’s not true and wash it away!
It’s up to you to manage the information that you choose to believe about yourself. You are worthy, and a beautifully unique individual. You are Stardust and you deserve to be treated as such!
Take time every day to focus on the positive things in your life. Practice gratitude every day and learn to change your self-limiting beliefs into positive ones.
I can’t to – I can
I am too old – I have lots of experience
I am not good enough – I deserve it
I could never – I have nothing to lose by trying
Who Am I To Do This – Who Am I NOT To?
I am a failure – I am no quitter
What things can you reframe today?